1 00:00:05,221 --> 00:00:07,380 [intro music] 2 00:00:07,460 --> 00:00:12,061 [imitates train] Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express! 3 00:00:12,141 --> 00:00:16,341 Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives 4 00:00:16,421 --> 00:00:19,541 they were given by him upstairs. 5 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:23,021 And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs. 6 00:00:23,101 --> 00:00:24,061 [shouts] Stay away! 7 00:00:24,140 --> 00:00:30,741 What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? 8 00:00:30,820 --> 00:00:33,900 Cos this, people reckon, and me included, 9 00:00:33,981 --> 00:00:38,301 is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented, 10 00:00:38,381 --> 00:00:42,021 to calm us all down and stop us going mental. 11 00:00:42,101 --> 00:00:46,501 These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials. 12 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:50,821 We are worth every penny for grinding your axes. 13 00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:55,501 You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes. 14 00:00:55,580 --> 00:00:58,501 [all laughing] 15 00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:01,501 Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers 16 00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:04,381 who'd come on your face for the price of a beer. 17 00:01:04,461 --> 00:01:07,821 Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! 18 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:12,101 Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! 19 00:01:12,181 --> 00:01:13,861 [laughing] 20 00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,381 Scatter! 21 00:01:15,461 --> 00:01:16,741 Party! 22 00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:21,221 [music fades out] 23 00:01:21,301 --> 00:01:24,500 [Patrick] Discussion groups, chat lines, support networks. 24 00:01:24,581 --> 00:01:25,621 The new millennium, 25 00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:28,860 the age of the all-vocalising, all-emoting fuck-up. 26 00:01:31,181 --> 00:01:34,661 Normal men and women spewing the contents of their troubled souls 27 00:01:34,741 --> 00:01:37,021 into the ears of the uninterested, 28 00:01:37,101 --> 00:01:40,060 excreting the sorry waste of their emotional innards 29 00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:42,741 into all manner of public places. 30 00:01:42,821 --> 00:01:45,860 Pubs, telly, newspapers. 31 00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:49,021 If only they'd zip it, 32 00:01:49,101 --> 00:01:52,181 and heed their inner voice, the one that never lies. 33 00:01:53,341 --> 00:01:57,341 The one that screams at you at the dead of night. Oh, aye! 34 00:01:57,420 --> 00:02:01,140 Tis better to remain silent, and be thought a repressed old fart 35 00:02:01,220 --> 00:02:06,341 than open one's mouth and be discovered a babblin', self-obsessed fool. 36 00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:12,581 Where his family's concerned, 37 00:02:12,661 --> 00:02:14,901 Paddy Maguire's never been less than generous. 38 00:02:14,981 --> 00:02:18,181 But a fifty grand blow would knock any man. 39 00:02:18,260 --> 00:02:20,260 [Jamie] Mam. Settlement. 40 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,061 [Patrick] She set the business up with me, 41 00:02:22,141 --> 00:02:24,221 so it's fair she should get half the spoils. 42 00:02:24,301 --> 00:02:26,181 But memories of our time together 43 00:02:26,260 --> 00:02:29,061 aren't going to keep me comfy in my old age. 44 00:02:29,141 --> 00:02:31,141 I need to make serious hay now. 45 00:02:31,221 --> 00:02:32,820 [Patrick] There's a recession, so people are what? 46 00:02:32,901 --> 00:02:34,380 -Skint. -They borrow money. Then? 47 00:02:34,461 --> 00:02:36,221 -Can't pay it back. -[Patrick] When these desperados 48 00:02:36,301 --> 00:02:39,341 want to forget about what fuck-ups their lives have become, 49 00:02:39,421 --> 00:02:41,181 -they do what? -Get off their heads. 50 00:02:41,260 --> 00:02:42,501 [Patrick] Drug sales soar. 51 00:02:42,581 --> 00:02:47,061 Economic gloom equals a pay-day boom, and I want you in on it. 52 00:02:47,141 --> 00:02:50,621 I want Manchester to know that Maguire and Sons are back in business. 53 00:02:50,700 --> 00:02:51,980 -Not for me. -Not for-- 54 00:02:52,061 --> 00:02:54,421 -Count me in. -Hang on. What do you mean? 55 00:02:54,501 --> 00:02:56,540 [Patrick] We could make a killing! What are you on about? 56 00:02:56,621 --> 00:02:58,141 -I've got a family. -Good of you to remember! 57 00:02:58,221 --> 00:02:59,380 I've got Karen and Connor to think of! 58 00:02:59,461 --> 00:03:01,781 You're working your fingers to the bone, and barely scraping a living! 59 00:03:01,861 --> 00:03:03,781 At least I'm not watching me back all the time! 60 00:03:03,861 --> 00:03:05,540 -And what about you? -I'm in, Dad. 61 00:03:05,621 --> 00:03:07,540 You still in possession of the bollocks you were born with? 62 00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,100 I'm okay with moody weddings. 63 00:03:09,181 --> 00:03:11,741 -Oh! You're settling for "okay"? -I'm in. 64 00:03:11,820 --> 00:03:13,301 Never thought I'd see the day. 65 00:03:13,380 --> 00:03:16,141 Sons of mine, gutless, pussy-whipped. 66 00:03:16,221 --> 00:03:19,301 There's more loyalty in those rats I pay to sell the gear. 67 00:03:19,380 --> 00:03:20,781 -Look, Dad-- -Get out. 68 00:03:20,861 --> 00:03:22,741 -I wouldn't mind-- -[Patrick] Go on, out! 69 00:03:25,380 --> 00:03:26,661 Fuck off! 70 00:03:32,221 --> 00:03:34,061 -[slams door] -[grunts] 71 00:03:35,540 --> 00:03:36,420 You did say no? 72 00:03:37,021 --> 00:03:38,100 Course I said no. 73 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:41,980 You sound like you're sorry for him. 74 00:03:42,061 --> 00:03:43,581 Well, I am his son. 75 00:03:43,661 --> 00:03:46,260 Yeah, and he's yours. 76 00:03:46,341 --> 00:03:47,461 [baby babbling] 77 00:03:47,540 --> 00:03:49,901 [sighs] Oh, what? 78 00:03:53,581 --> 00:03:55,741 [putting on a baby voice] Wooh, doo doo doo doo! 79 00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:59,380 I'm going to be the best dressed baby in Chatsworth! Yay! 80 00:03:59,461 --> 00:04:01,661 Christ Karen, a hundred and fifty quid! 81 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:04,140 For him to puke all over it? 82 00:04:04,221 --> 00:04:05,781 Get it back, get a refund. 83 00:04:07,941 --> 00:04:11,181 Hello? I'd like to place an order, please. 84 00:04:11,820 --> 00:04:13,661 -[movie projector] -[incidental music] 85 00:04:40,341 --> 00:04:42,620 Christ, Carl! Watch where you're putting it! 86 00:04:42,701 --> 00:04:44,101 That was trap two! 87 00:04:45,740 --> 00:04:48,461 I was the only one willing to go along with Dad. 88 00:04:48,541 --> 00:04:49,981 He totally blanked me. 89 00:04:50,060 --> 00:04:53,901 That's cos you're an ideas person, like him. 90 00:04:53,981 --> 00:04:56,021 A thinker, cerebral. 91 00:04:56,101 --> 00:04:58,541 More brains than a service station pastie. 92 00:04:58,620 --> 00:04:59,821 [Mimi tutting] 93 00:04:59,901 --> 00:05:03,101 Now, those balloons aren't going to blow themselves up, are they? 94 00:05:03,940 --> 00:05:04,821 [Maxine] I mean, 95 00:05:04,901 --> 00:05:07,180 I'm an inspired shag, me. 96 00:05:08,180 --> 00:05:09,620 But bum sex? 97 00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:11,940 Why would he want to do that? 98 00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:14,781 -You should ask him how he'd like it. -Mmm! 99 00:05:15,701 --> 00:05:17,060 About Sunday... 100 00:05:17,141 --> 00:05:19,861 We're welcoming our little man into God's family. 101 00:05:20,661 --> 00:05:23,740 It's a celebration, yes, but it's a holy day. 102 00:05:23,821 --> 00:05:27,861 So any talk of whoring or crack pipes is right off. Yeah? 103 00:05:27,940 --> 00:05:29,301 -See you later. -See you later, Max. 104 00:05:29,380 --> 00:05:31,981 [chuckling] I think I can manage that for you, Mimi. 105 00:05:32,861 --> 00:05:35,701 Oh, and if you think I'm cocking up on me god mum duties, 106 00:05:35,781 --> 00:05:39,821 -I'm sure you won't hesitate to pull me. -There's nothing to worry about there, 107 00:05:39,901 --> 00:05:43,421 because Concepta, my cousin, she's god mum now. 108 00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:45,541 What? 109 00:05:45,620 --> 00:05:49,500 Well. With the dancing and touring, poor love never got a chance to have kids. 110 00:05:49,581 --> 00:05:53,261 So I thought it'd be nice for her to have a little one she can be close to. 111 00:05:53,981 --> 00:05:56,261 You don't begrudge her having a godson, do you? 112 00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:03,981 [Kelly] Heard the latest from your mother? 113 00:06:04,060 --> 00:06:05,821 We have been dumped as godparents, 114 00:06:05,901 --> 00:06:08,701 cos her cousin and her bloke are a more glamorous option. 115 00:06:08,781 --> 00:06:10,581 No, it's just you who's been dumped. 116 00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:12,101 Concepta ain't got a bloke. 117 00:06:13,341 --> 00:06:15,500 -You're still godfather? -[Shane] She only... 118 00:06:15,581 --> 00:06:17,060 She only told me this morning. 119 00:06:17,141 --> 00:06:19,901 And what was your reaction when mummy hit you with that? 120 00:06:19,981 --> 00:06:22,421 I'm... I'm not arsed, Kel. 121 00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:25,981 Your girlfriend gets shat on from a great height by your mother 122 00:06:26,060 --> 00:06:27,421 and you're not arsed? 123 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:30,461 That's not what I meant! Kel! 124 00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:33,620 [high-pitched voice] Oops a daisy. 125 00:06:34,940 --> 00:06:37,141 Really looking forward to Sunday. 126 00:06:37,221 --> 00:06:39,781 Be nice to have all the family under one roof again. 127 00:06:40,861 --> 00:06:42,981 I think it's time we settled up, isn't it? 128 00:06:43,060 --> 00:06:45,101 For the christening. Fifty-fifty. 129 00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:46,981 Paddy, honest, I'm really flush. 130 00:06:47,060 --> 00:06:49,861 Mimi, chuck yourself under the King's horse, 131 00:06:49,940 --> 00:06:52,341 gaze at your chuff in a mirror, but please, 132 00:06:52,421 --> 00:06:54,901 in the spirit of equality, tell me what I owe. 133 00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:57,060 Okay, you win. 500. 134 00:06:59,101 --> 00:07:01,341 You only do it once, don't you? 135 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,060 I'll fetch it for you right away. 136 00:07:05,820 --> 00:07:06,701 Dad? 137 00:07:09,060 --> 00:07:11,060 Why don't you just help him collect? 138 00:07:11,141 --> 00:07:13,341 God knows you could do with the readies. 139 00:07:13,421 --> 00:07:14,301 I've told you why. 140 00:07:14,380 --> 00:07:17,581 If not to boost your income, then to keep an eye out for him. 141 00:07:17,661 --> 00:07:19,981 You know what it's like out there. 142 00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:22,981 Dad's covered. Got some lads helping him out. 143 00:07:23,060 --> 00:07:25,661 Has he bollocks! What's he going to pay them with? 144 00:07:25,740 --> 00:07:29,260 There's more brass on a string quartet than on your dad just now. 145 00:07:30,861 --> 00:07:32,781 -Think about it. -No! 146 00:07:32,861 --> 00:07:35,141 Now can we just leave it, please? 147 00:07:39,820 --> 00:07:42,380 Thirty grams of coke, 100 of cannabis. 148 00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:46,861 I'll be expecting two grand back. Anything you make on top is yours. 149 00:07:50,021 --> 00:07:52,981 -Problem? -How are we supposed to make owt on that? 150 00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:54,221 Get creative. 151 00:07:54,301 --> 00:07:57,861 So, besides hiking up the costs, or mixing the gear, 152 00:07:57,940 --> 00:08:01,021 any other creative suggestions? [lad] People ain't thick. 153 00:08:01,101 --> 00:08:03,500 They know what they want, and how much it costs. 154 00:08:09,341 --> 00:08:10,500 All right, all right. 155 00:08:13,940 --> 00:08:15,581 Eighteen hundred. 156 00:08:17,940 --> 00:08:20,700 Make it quick if you value your kneecaps. 157 00:08:27,101 --> 00:08:28,981 We've been over this. He's wearing that one. 158 00:08:29,060 --> 00:08:31,421 Cos you've got to keep your mother sweet. 159 00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:33,180 She's paying for everything because you managed 160 00:08:33,261 --> 00:08:35,421 to spend every penny I put aside. 161 00:08:38,021 --> 00:08:40,421 For when he starts on solids. It's the business. 162 00:08:40,501 --> 00:08:44,301 You can take that look off your face, 'cause I know what you're thinking. 163 00:08:44,381 --> 00:08:46,021 "It's all about Connor now." 164 00:08:53,941 --> 00:08:56,701 Better to spend 200 on something, and wear it 100 times, 165 00:08:56,781 --> 00:08:58,661 than 30 quid and only wear it once. 166 00:08:58,741 --> 00:09:02,460 Jamie, it's not every day your first-born's... 167 00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:04,460 [suspenseful tone] 168 00:09:05,340 --> 00:09:06,340 Karen? 169 00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:07,941 Karen? 170 00:09:14,581 --> 00:09:15,941 What is it, what's wrong? 171 00:09:16,021 --> 00:09:18,340 -[Mimi] What's going on? -[Jamie] Karen! 172 00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:22,021 What is it? What are you looking for? 173 00:09:22,821 --> 00:09:23,661 [Jamie] Karen. 174 00:09:24,340 --> 00:09:25,181 What's going on? 175 00:09:27,340 --> 00:09:28,501 The baby. 176 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:30,980 [Jamie] Where is he? 177 00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:34,261 When's the last time you had him, Karen? 178 00:09:35,220 --> 00:09:37,340 Mum, get upstairs! Check, quick! 179 00:09:37,421 --> 00:09:39,460 [frantic music] 180 00:09:39,541 --> 00:09:40,501 [heartbeats] 181 00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:41,460 Connor... 182 00:09:41,541 --> 00:09:42,701 [baby crying] 183 00:09:46,340 --> 00:09:47,501 Shane, Micky! 184 00:09:49,301 --> 00:09:51,141 Connor's missing. I'll check the shops, 185 00:09:51,220 --> 00:09:53,741 check the bus stop, tell everyone he's missing! 186 00:09:53,821 --> 00:09:56,661 Get Carl, Ian, fuckin' everyone! Find him, Micky! 187 00:09:59,821 --> 00:10:01,501 Aw, come on! 188 00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:03,821 Carl, I need your... 189 00:10:06,501 --> 00:10:08,541 I need your help when you've... finished. 190 00:10:22,661 --> 00:10:25,181 -You stupid... -Leave the girl alone! 191 00:10:25,261 --> 00:10:27,980 How the fuck do you forget where you leave your own son? 192 00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:30,701 Do you think she really needs telling, Jamie? 193 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,381 [door opens] 194 00:10:33,460 --> 00:10:35,100 [baby gurgles] 195 00:10:36,181 --> 00:10:38,821 -Oh, thank God! -Oh, Joe, thank fuck! 196 00:10:38,901 --> 00:10:40,741 Said you'd only be five minutes. 197 00:10:40,821 --> 00:10:43,100 Asked me to take him while she popped into Yvonne's. 198 00:10:43,181 --> 00:10:44,901 Everyone was smoking in there. 199 00:10:44,980 --> 00:10:49,141 My mobile goes, I'm yapping away, I turn around and she's gone. 200 00:10:50,381 --> 00:10:51,501 I forgot... 201 00:10:52,381 --> 00:10:53,220 I forgot. 202 00:10:53,301 --> 00:10:55,581 Be the excitement of the christening and that. 203 00:10:55,661 --> 00:10:57,661 [sighs] Cheers, Joe. 204 00:10:58,740 --> 00:11:01,460 -Drink? -No, I'm driving. Thanks anyway. 205 00:11:01,541 --> 00:11:02,541 Later, yeah? 206 00:11:04,381 --> 00:11:05,301 Delivery, mate. 207 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,301 I'm sorry. 208 00:11:10,061 --> 00:11:12,621 -[dramatic music] -[sobbing] 209 00:11:16,581 --> 00:11:18,100 I'm off to pick up the cake. 210 00:11:18,181 --> 00:11:20,860 Running errands for the bitch that's coming between us. 211 00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:23,941 -What kind of cretin are you? -I'd like you to watch your mouth. 212 00:11:24,021 --> 00:11:25,901 I'd like you to keep your nose out of our business. 213 00:11:25,980 --> 00:11:26,980 She's not coming between us. 214 00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:31,460 She is! And she's doing it by running me down. 215 00:11:31,541 --> 00:11:36,021 And you're no innocent bystander. You're her fucking accomplice! 216 00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:37,941 He's running a family errand. 217 00:11:38,021 --> 00:11:41,740 To fetch a cake for a baptism that I should have been godmother at. 218 00:11:41,821 --> 00:11:44,701 -She doesn't mean anything personal. -It's easy for you to say. 219 00:11:44,781 --> 00:11:46,340 You're not the one who's been shafted. 220 00:11:46,421 --> 00:11:48,821 Do you want me to tell her that I can't be godfather no more? 221 00:11:48,901 --> 00:11:51,061 I want you to fight my corner! 222 00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:00,220 [Kelly] You've no idea, have you? 223 00:12:00,301 --> 00:12:02,901 The effect this had on me, how touched I was, 224 00:12:02,980 --> 00:12:05,541 how it made me feel that Karen and Jamie thought 225 00:12:05,621 --> 00:12:08,421 that I was good enough to be godmother to their son. 226 00:12:08,501 --> 00:12:09,941 [Kelly] I was walking on air! 227 00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:14,941 And I wanted to do it right, do Connor proud. 228 00:12:15,021 --> 00:12:17,860 Not just turn up, hold the kid by the font, 229 00:12:17,941 --> 00:12:19,501 and then get hammered at the do 230 00:12:19,581 --> 00:12:21,980 like every other godparent I have ever come across! 231 00:12:22,061 --> 00:12:23,661 Okay, you want it sorted? 232 00:12:23,740 --> 00:12:24,860 I'll sort it. 233 00:12:27,860 --> 00:12:29,061 [door slams] 234 00:12:29,901 --> 00:12:33,541 [weeping] 235 00:12:33,621 --> 00:12:37,781 I didn't do it to hurt Kelly, son. I did it to protect her. 236 00:12:37,860 --> 00:12:41,581 She probably can't bless herself right, never mind reel off the Creed. 237 00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,421 I don't think I can anymore. 238 00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,181 More the need for Concepta, then. 239 00:12:45,261 --> 00:12:48,581 She's blood. She'll always be around. 240 00:12:48,661 --> 00:12:50,181 I hate to say this, 241 00:12:50,261 --> 00:12:53,661 but what if Kelly traps off with some loaded punter? 242 00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:57,100 [tuts] Any one of us could fuck off at any time. 243 00:12:57,181 --> 00:12:58,261 You and Dad split up. 244 00:12:58,340 --> 00:13:02,021 Yeah, but we've got responsibilities that bind us forever more. 245 00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:05,100 Apart from the dollop of lust and love, you two have nothing. 246 00:13:05,181 --> 00:13:06,661 What are you getting out of this? 247 00:13:06,740 --> 00:13:10,541 You've got loads of godkids you never see, so the whole thing is a load of shit. 248 00:13:10,620 --> 00:13:12,460 Your beloved write those lines. 249 00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:15,100 I've had enough of you and me dad trying to run my life, 250 00:13:15,181 --> 00:13:16,901 trying to fuck things up for me. 251 00:13:20,181 --> 00:13:22,220 I'm not your little boy anymore. 252 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:25,181 And I'm telling you right now, 253 00:13:25,261 --> 00:13:26,701 back off. 254 00:13:32,860 --> 00:13:34,501 [Jamie] You okay now? 255 00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:37,061 Embarrassed, more than anything. 256 00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:40,261 I'm sorry. 257 00:13:40,340 --> 00:13:41,301 Yeah, so am I. 258 00:13:42,340 --> 00:13:45,100 My head's done in, with everything. 259 00:13:45,181 --> 00:13:49,261 Hey, just think, after the christening, it's all over. 260 00:14:09,421 --> 00:14:11,381 No need to thank me. 261 00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:13,061 Fuck...off. 262 00:14:13,141 --> 00:14:15,781 There's something I'd like to get off me chest. 263 00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:17,141 [shouts] Jamie, mate! 264 00:14:19,181 --> 00:14:21,381 Let's let Jamie in on our little secret. 265 00:14:22,301 --> 00:14:25,100 Oh, cheer up, Karen. Confession's good for the soul. 266 00:14:25,181 --> 00:14:26,460 He'll kill you. 267 00:14:26,541 --> 00:14:29,061 -I'm ready for him. -He won't believe you. 268 00:14:29,141 --> 00:14:31,701 Oh, so he hasn't noticed the mole between your tits, 269 00:14:31,781 --> 00:14:33,821 or the birthmark on your left arse cheek? 270 00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:37,340 Or the way you dig your nails into the back of his neck when you come? 271 00:14:40,261 --> 00:14:41,541 Something you should know. 272 00:14:45,541 --> 00:14:47,381 Your mam's invited me to Sunday's do. 273 00:14:47,460 --> 00:14:50,381 [Joe] Heard the delivery nurse is always at Maguire christenings 274 00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:52,021 just checking that's cool with you? 275 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,100 You've been there twice for the little fella. 276 00:14:54,181 --> 00:14:55,181 How could I say no? 277 00:14:56,220 --> 00:14:57,381 See you later. 278 00:14:58,381 --> 00:14:59,220 Yeah. 279 00:15:17,381 --> 00:15:18,421 What's that? 280 00:15:19,581 --> 00:15:24,661 This is Back-Door Bertie, our mutual fuck buddy. 281 00:15:24,740 --> 00:15:26,100 Well, he can fuck off. 282 00:15:26,181 --> 00:15:30,701 But I thought you wanted to indulge in a little dark star penetration? 283 00:15:30,781 --> 00:15:31,821 I do, but... 284 00:15:33,220 --> 00:15:36,381 But that? There's no pleasure for you sticking that in me. 285 00:15:36,460 --> 00:15:40,821 Well, maybe not, but you might love it, and I'm all about giving, me. 286 00:15:40,901 --> 00:15:44,581 Imagine the pair of us casting off our arse innocence together. 287 00:15:44,661 --> 00:15:48,701 What could be more romantic and binding? 288 00:15:49,901 --> 00:15:51,821 I promise I'll be gentle, Carl. 289 00:15:54,740 --> 00:15:57,380 [giggles] 290 00:15:57,460 --> 00:15:59,220 You're certainly in the minority. 291 00:15:59,301 --> 00:16:01,661 I bet hardly any straight blokes take it. 292 00:16:01,740 --> 00:16:04,781 What's the difference between a straight man and a gay man? 293 00:16:04,860 --> 00:16:07,421 -Six cans of lager. -[laughter] 294 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,301 I'm not taking, just considering possibilities. 295 00:16:10,380 --> 00:16:12,541 If you're thinking it, you're halfway there. 296 00:16:12,620 --> 00:16:15,581 Me and Max are tight. And what's good for the goose... 297 00:16:15,661 --> 00:16:17,941 What advice would you give your little brother? 298 00:16:18,021 --> 00:16:20,740 Absolutely none. I'm not talking bum sex with him! 299 00:16:20,821 --> 00:16:23,141 Be different if it was pussy, wouldn't it? 300 00:16:23,220 --> 00:16:26,421 I tell you what, once you've made contact with Mr G spot... 301 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,781 you'll kill yourself for not hooking up sooner. 302 00:16:28,860 --> 00:16:30,061 Don't it hurt, though? 303 00:16:30,141 --> 00:16:33,901 You can't do the full monty straight off. You've got to work up to it. 304 00:16:33,980 --> 00:16:35,261 How? 305 00:16:35,340 --> 00:16:38,061 Well, start small, and plenty of lube. 306 00:16:38,980 --> 00:16:40,541 -Lubrication. -[spits] 307 00:16:40,620 --> 00:16:43,340 Bit of spit does it for me if I'm ever caught short. 308 00:16:43,421 --> 00:16:45,740 Let your mind open up to the possibilities, 309 00:16:45,821 --> 00:16:47,701 and your arse'll follow. 310 00:16:47,781 --> 00:16:51,061 And... you're a Catholic, yeah, like me? 311 00:16:51,141 --> 00:16:53,701 The guilt'll just add to the sheer thrill of it all. 312 00:16:53,781 --> 00:16:58,261 So, to recap, you start small, work your way up. 313 00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:01,821 -[Micky] Ooh! -[Ian laughing] Eh! 314 00:17:01,901 --> 00:17:02,980 [imitates dog barking] 315 00:17:03,061 --> 00:17:04,061 [barking] 316 00:17:04,140 --> 00:17:06,140 [imitates barking] 317 00:17:06,221 --> 00:17:08,301 [barking] 318 00:17:08,900 --> 00:17:09,781 [Patrick] Karen... 319 00:17:11,461 --> 00:17:13,900 -[Karen imitates dog barking] -[dog barking] 320 00:17:13,981 --> 00:17:16,940 I fucking hate dogs! Little disease-spreading shit machines! 321 00:17:17,021 --> 00:17:18,301 Karen... 322 00:17:19,140 --> 00:17:20,061 You look tired. 323 00:17:20,821 --> 00:17:21,701 Come on. 324 00:17:26,301 --> 00:17:28,380 Living over a pub's hardly peaceful. 325 00:17:29,660 --> 00:17:32,900 And I know Mimi's decibel level isn't always within legal limits. 326 00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,660 Here. 327 00:17:39,981 --> 00:17:40,861 My place. 328 00:17:41,581 --> 00:17:42,981 It can be your little oasis. 329 00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:46,341 I want to help, Karen. 330 00:17:47,541 --> 00:17:51,180 [Patrick] Let's face it, I'm the nearest thing you've got to a dad, 331 00:17:51,261 --> 00:17:54,261 and you're the nearest thing I've got to a daughter now. 332 00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:57,381 [keys jingling] 333 00:18:11,501 --> 00:18:15,900 [urinating] 334 00:18:37,221 --> 00:18:38,741 -[farts] -[party hooter blows] 335 00:18:38,821 --> 00:18:41,581 [laughs] 336 00:18:47,180 --> 00:18:48,261 Shit! 337 00:18:59,781 --> 00:19:02,821 If that's my consolation prize, you can stick it up your arse. 338 00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:06,541 I tried my best, Kel. Just seems like she's not having it. 339 00:19:06,621 --> 00:19:08,741 -She say why? -Yeah, the religion thing. 340 00:19:08,821 --> 00:19:11,261 You know the reason she gave me the elbow 341 00:19:11,341 --> 00:19:13,660 is cos she can't stand a low-down... 342 00:19:14,781 --> 00:19:17,341 [sighs] Me being in the limelight. 343 00:19:17,420 --> 00:19:20,101 [Liam] Don't think you've got any fears there, Kelly. 344 00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:23,341 In the New Testament, Matthew never condemns prostitution. 345 00:19:24,061 --> 00:19:27,461 Turning to the Old Testament, in the Book of Hosea, 346 00:19:27,541 --> 00:19:31,180 God says he'd never punish the daughters of Israel for selling themselves. 347 00:19:31,781 --> 00:19:33,581 And besides, you're a masseuse. 348 00:19:43,381 --> 00:19:44,541 How could ya? 349 00:19:44,621 --> 00:19:47,581 [Mimi] If you didn't want him wearing it, you could've said. 350 00:19:47,660 --> 00:19:50,501 -What's going on? -Look what she did! 351 00:19:51,821 --> 00:19:54,900 Her, who I've treated like me own daughter. 352 00:19:54,981 --> 00:19:59,221 I ironed it. Sorry, I didn't even notice. 353 00:19:59,301 --> 00:20:00,981 You didn't want Connor wearing it. 354 00:20:01,061 --> 00:20:03,660 And thought if you ruined it, he wouldn't have to! 355 00:20:03,741 --> 00:20:06,741 Mimi, I can assure you, I would never do something like that. 356 00:20:06,821 --> 00:20:11,541 This was my grandmother's, and her mother before that. 357 00:20:12,141 --> 00:20:15,021 [whimpering] The names of my dead babies are woven into it. 358 00:20:15,101 --> 00:20:16,861 It was an accident. 359 00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:22,541 [door slams] 360 00:20:24,180 --> 00:20:26,180 Oh, so, you don't believe me now? 361 00:20:26,261 --> 00:20:28,221 What sort of a bitch do you think I am? 362 00:20:28,301 --> 00:20:30,341 -I'm beginning to wonder. -Right. 363 00:20:31,341 --> 00:20:32,261 I'll sort it. 364 00:20:32,861 --> 00:20:34,581 I'll fucking sort it! 365 00:20:35,861 --> 00:20:38,621 [yelling] I will sort it! 366 00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:42,221 [ripping cloth] 367 00:20:48,660 --> 00:20:52,861 The mark's do-able, but the tear... [inhales] 368 00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:56,900 But with it being crocheted, we should be able to hide it nicely. 369 00:20:56,981 --> 00:20:58,301 Brilliant. 370 00:20:58,381 --> 00:21:01,660 Problem is, this is Irish crochet, and I only do the Filet. 371 00:21:02,861 --> 00:21:05,541 But my sister-in-law Mary, she's good at the Irish. 372 00:21:05,621 --> 00:21:08,301 But the silk thread don't come cheap. 373 00:21:09,501 --> 00:21:11,501 -[knock on door] -[suspenseful music] 374 00:21:12,381 --> 00:21:14,981 -Shit! Get me out of here! -In there. 375 00:21:16,461 --> 00:21:17,660 [Lillian] Just a minute! 376 00:21:19,141 --> 00:21:20,621 Hi, Mimi. Come in. 377 00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:23,301 What can I do for you, love? 378 00:21:23,381 --> 00:21:25,501 Well, I'm not here to have me clit flicked. 379 00:21:25,581 --> 00:21:26,741 Need a word with Kelly. 380 00:21:26,821 --> 00:21:28,301 Oh, she's tied up just now. 381 00:21:28,381 --> 00:21:30,261 [Kelly moaning] 382 00:21:31,981 --> 00:21:35,381 I've had a word with Paddy and Shane, they had a thing or two to say. 383 00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:38,180 And I've decided to rethink the whole godmother thing. 384 00:21:38,261 --> 00:21:41,821 Concepta's sound, but on balance I feel your case is stronger. 385 00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:44,141 -What? -You're more grounded. 386 00:21:44,221 --> 00:21:46,501 When she isn't high, her head's in the clouds. 387 00:21:46,581 --> 00:21:48,660 And you only live round the corner. 388 00:21:48,741 --> 00:21:49,741 If a crisis strikes, 389 00:21:49,821 --> 00:21:51,981 what good's she propping up the Waldorf bar? 390 00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:54,981 [Mimi] Despite having more male customers than Burton's, 391 00:21:55,061 --> 00:21:56,981 I feel your heart's in the right place. 392 00:21:58,061 --> 00:21:59,141 You'll do for me. 393 00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:00,700 Deal? 394 00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:02,341 Deal. 395 00:22:05,261 --> 00:22:06,180 See ya. 396 00:22:19,420 --> 00:22:21,061 Get out. 397 00:22:21,141 --> 00:22:23,141 What sort of a welcome's that, eh? 398 00:22:40,781 --> 00:22:44,180 [Joe] She... she once told me that her... 399 00:22:45,180 --> 00:22:49,261 that her big dream was to go skinny-dipping at night in Crete. 400 00:22:51,061 --> 00:22:57,221 I kept her messages on me mobile, so I can hear her voice. 401 00:22:57,301 --> 00:22:58,660 [sniffling] 402 00:23:00,501 --> 00:23:01,420 [Joe sobbing] 403 00:23:05,861 --> 00:23:07,660 [weeping] 404 00:23:32,781 --> 00:23:35,061 If there's yellow stuff in it, it's not cancer. 405 00:23:35,141 --> 00:23:37,101 I put sweet corn in that pasta dish. 406 00:23:37,180 --> 00:23:40,061 I was trying out some brown-eye action with a party blower. 407 00:23:40,141 --> 00:23:43,341 But when I took it out, the nozzle got stuck. 408 00:23:43,420 --> 00:23:46,221 -I can't get it out. Will you try? -Oooh! Sorry, Carl... 409 00:23:46,301 --> 00:23:50,180 anal extractions didn't feature on my auxiliary training course. 410 00:23:50,261 --> 00:23:53,101 You don't need a qualification to work out what's gotta be done. 411 00:23:53,180 --> 00:23:55,301 No, but you do need equipment. 412 00:23:55,381 --> 00:23:58,460 Only I don't fancy wasting me whole Friday night in Aandamp;E. 413 00:23:58,541 --> 00:24:01,221 -Not going there! -[Maxine] They won't bat an eyelid. 414 00:24:01,301 --> 00:24:04,301 Had a vicar in last week, he had a 12-inch candle up him. 415 00:24:04,381 --> 00:24:06,581 Said he fell backwards putting up curtains! 416 00:24:06,660 --> 00:24:09,221 -You're nowt special. -I'm not going, Max. 417 00:24:10,021 --> 00:24:12,700 -[party blower squeaks] -What's that? 418 00:24:15,981 --> 00:24:18,981 Any bit of wind and it goes off. 419 00:24:19,061 --> 00:24:21,341 It's like having an internal mouth organ. 420 00:24:22,781 --> 00:24:25,101 Hey, Carl, give us a tune before you go. 421 00:24:25,180 --> 00:24:26,981 [moaning] 422 00:24:28,621 --> 00:24:30,700 -[door opens] -[Patrick] Christ Almighty. 423 00:24:30,781 --> 00:24:31,981 [tense music] 424 00:24:32,061 --> 00:24:34,301 [Patrick] How much was lifted? 425 00:24:38,221 --> 00:24:40,021 [Patrick] Were they armed? 426 00:24:41,700 --> 00:24:43,940 [Patrick] Okay, okay. I'll be right with you. 427 00:24:45,420 --> 00:24:47,781 [mouthing] Fuck off! 428 00:24:49,420 --> 00:24:50,541 [Connor gurgles] 429 00:24:57,940 --> 00:25:00,821 [Patrick] Just what I fucking need! 430 00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:01,821 [door opens] 431 00:25:02,821 --> 00:25:03,660 [door slams] 432 00:25:18,021 --> 00:25:19,341 I love you. 433 00:25:25,341 --> 00:25:27,141 -Don't fuck up. -[man] No, I won't. 434 00:25:29,061 --> 00:25:30,180 [tense music] 435 00:25:30,261 --> 00:25:31,660 [glass smashes] 436 00:25:35,501 --> 00:25:38,101 -Who the fuck am I? -[lad grunting] 437 00:25:38,180 --> 00:25:40,420 Who the...fuck...am I? 438 00:25:40,501 --> 00:25:42,301 Mr Maguire... Mr Maguire! 439 00:25:42,381 --> 00:25:45,261 Why are you treating me like Bill Gates or bloody Carnegie? 440 00:25:45,341 --> 00:25:48,341 You're a charity case, all right, but not one I'm supporting. 441 00:25:48,420 --> 00:25:53,261 -So where the fuck's my money? -[lad grunting] 442 00:25:57,381 --> 00:25:59,700 As it's small, a little irrigation'll budge it. 443 00:26:00,420 --> 00:26:02,420 As me vac's being serviced anyway. 444 00:26:02,501 --> 00:26:06,660 -Are you sure you know what you're doing? -Every other day I do a rectal removal. 445 00:26:07,301 --> 00:26:11,381 I dislodge, I douche, I dab some talc, and I return it to its wife. 446 00:26:12,141 --> 00:26:13,660 Come on, Carl. Drop 'em. 447 00:26:14,381 --> 00:26:15,261 Ready? 448 00:26:24,700 --> 00:26:25,981 Do I look stupid? 449 00:26:26,061 --> 00:26:29,981 -He's out getting the rest now. -There are some people in this world... 450 00:26:30,061 --> 00:26:34,420 who learn their lessons well, take on board advice, move on, 451 00:26:34,501 --> 00:26:37,700 and have relatively happy lives. There are those that don't. 452 00:26:37,781 --> 00:26:39,460 You are obviously of the latter. 453 00:26:39,541 --> 00:26:40,781 Fuck you! 454 00:26:40,861 --> 00:26:43,220 You don't scare me! I know people. 455 00:26:43,301 --> 00:26:46,261 Once you're out of intensive care, you go see those people, 456 00:26:46,341 --> 00:26:48,341 and ask them if they know Paddy Maguire! 457 00:26:48,420 --> 00:26:50,180 I guarantee they will! 458 00:26:52,940 --> 00:26:54,420 You've got... 459 00:26:54,501 --> 00:26:55,940 [gunshot] 460 00:26:56,021 --> 00:26:57,541 [heartbeat] 461 00:27:21,700 --> 00:27:23,101 How's my favourite bum boy? 462 00:27:23,180 --> 00:27:25,861 Last time I was slipping your Chrissy one, she said he was fine. 463 00:27:25,940 --> 00:27:27,981 -Paddy through there? -I'll give him a bell. 464 00:27:28,061 --> 00:27:30,541 Been ringing him for ages, just keeps ringing out. 465 00:27:30,621 --> 00:27:31,660 Yeah? 466 00:27:36,220 --> 00:27:37,420 Two minutes, yeah? 467 00:27:40,781 --> 00:27:41,861 Cheers, son. 468 00:27:41,940 --> 00:27:43,021 Is me dad here? 469 00:27:43,101 --> 00:27:44,660 Nipped out for the papers. 470 00:27:44,741 --> 00:27:48,261 On a Saturday morning, there's nothing that Mr Maguire and I like more 471 00:27:48,341 --> 00:27:50,940 than to talk current affairs over a pot of Lady Grey. 472 00:27:51,021 --> 00:27:52,381 Really? 473 00:27:52,460 --> 00:27:54,660 Is he fuck here. 474 00:27:58,501 --> 00:28:01,101 Hey, Sean's here with the delivery, and Dad's not in. 475 00:28:01,180 --> 00:28:02,781 You got three grand in the safe? 476 00:28:02,861 --> 00:28:05,940 [Jamie] Do I look like a man who's got three grand in a safe? 477 00:28:06,541 --> 00:28:08,101 You can set your watch by Sean. 478 00:28:08,180 --> 00:28:09,700 Every Saturday at 12. 479 00:28:09,781 --> 00:28:12,420 Dad never misses him. There's definitely something up. 480 00:28:12,501 --> 00:28:14,781 Pint of the dark stuff please, Jamie. 481 00:28:15,700 --> 00:28:18,180 Three grand, me tips. 482 00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:22,541 Karen all right? 483 00:28:22,621 --> 00:28:24,781 Not every day you forget where your kid is. 484 00:28:24,861 --> 00:28:27,501 -You weren't laughing the other day. -Nah, she's fine. 485 00:28:28,381 --> 00:28:31,581 -And that... is on the house. -Good. 486 00:28:31,660 --> 00:28:33,700 So long as the baby blues haven't struck. 487 00:28:33,781 --> 00:28:36,061 She's just tired, that's all. We both are. 488 00:28:36,700 --> 00:28:40,301 [sighs] Having a baby in the house really takes it out of you. 489 00:28:40,381 --> 00:28:43,341 A mate of mine said that him and his missus are that knackered 490 00:28:43,420 --> 00:28:45,781 at the end of the day, all they're fit for in bed is sleep. 491 00:28:45,861 --> 00:28:48,700 Your love life's out the window, you're skint all the time. 492 00:28:48,781 --> 00:28:50,180 The strain was unbelievable. 493 00:28:51,101 --> 00:28:54,021 Hey, but listen, he didn't have what you and Karen have got, 494 00:28:54,101 --> 00:28:55,821 -do you know what I mean? -Uhm. 495 00:28:55,900 --> 00:28:57,460 -[man] Jamie? -Yes, mate. 496 00:29:00,180 --> 00:29:02,021 [Lillian] Here's the rascal. You wanna keep him? 497 00:29:02,101 --> 00:29:03,061 Pass. 498 00:29:03,141 --> 00:29:05,900 Should have it framed. Once it's been disinfected. 499 00:29:05,980 --> 00:29:08,381 [Maxine] Health freaks would pay hundreds for this treatment. 500 00:29:08,460 --> 00:29:10,660 If you know any, tell them I'll do it cheaper. 501 00:29:10,741 --> 00:29:14,220 -Cheers, Lillian. -It was all my pleasure. 502 00:29:17,061 --> 00:29:17,940 [kiss] 503 00:29:19,141 --> 00:29:21,061 -I underestimated you. -How? 504 00:29:21,660 --> 00:29:25,220 Never thought for a second you'd ever really consider being my bum chum. 505 00:29:29,381 --> 00:29:31,940 So, how can I make it up to you? 506 00:29:32,021 --> 00:29:34,220 You can have anything you like. 507 00:29:35,700 --> 00:29:39,581 [farts] 508 00:29:40,781 --> 00:29:42,021 [sighs] 509 00:29:42,861 --> 00:29:43,940 [groans] 510 00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:51,700 [door creaks] 511 00:29:51,781 --> 00:29:52,660 [knocks] 512 00:29:54,660 --> 00:29:55,621 You okay? 513 00:29:59,341 --> 00:30:00,220 [Jamie sighs] 514 00:30:04,541 --> 00:30:07,381 We'll have to make a bit of "us" time, won't we? 515 00:30:07,460 --> 00:30:09,621 We're more than just Mum and Dad. 516 00:30:12,621 --> 00:30:14,660 Let's have a night out, eh? 517 00:30:14,741 --> 00:30:15,940 Too much effort. 518 00:30:17,621 --> 00:30:21,180 Once we've booked a table and found a sitter, done the feeds, 519 00:30:21,261 --> 00:30:24,341 got his clothes sorted for the next day, got meself sorted... 520 00:30:25,301 --> 00:30:27,261 all I'm fit for is bed. 521 00:30:27,341 --> 00:30:28,700 Things'll get better, yeah? 522 00:30:35,660 --> 00:30:37,101 I'm sorry. 523 00:30:37,180 --> 00:30:38,501 I'm not complaining. 524 00:30:40,101 --> 00:30:42,741 You and Connor are my world now. 525 00:30:45,460 --> 00:30:47,220 If anything happened... 526 00:30:48,700 --> 00:30:52,180 if anything...damaged us... 527 00:30:54,381 --> 00:30:55,781 I don't know what I'd do. 528 00:30:57,381 --> 00:30:58,420 [Jamie] Hey... 529 00:30:59,420 --> 00:31:03,460 nothing is gonna damage us. 530 00:31:03,541 --> 00:31:04,700 All right? 531 00:31:09,460 --> 00:31:11,700 Dad, it's Micky. 532 00:31:11,781 --> 00:31:13,220 Give us a bell, yeah? 533 00:31:15,261 --> 00:31:16,420 Peace offering. 534 00:31:17,900 --> 00:31:19,180 You know where the bar is. 535 00:31:20,741 --> 00:31:23,700 I knew you said you'd sort it, but I didn't fancy your odds. 536 00:31:24,900 --> 00:31:25,980 [Frank] You know what, 537 00:31:26,061 --> 00:31:29,061 you lot probably mock those South Sea Islanders, 538 00:31:29,141 --> 00:31:33,261 with bones through their noses, performing their shaman rituals. 539 00:31:33,341 --> 00:31:39,940 When, in fact, you are partaking in exactly the same bollocks. 540 00:31:40,021 --> 00:31:42,660 About tomorrow, Frank. A verbal invite do ya? 541 00:31:42,741 --> 00:31:45,700 Be nice to see you there for Katie's sake. Free bar. 542 00:31:46,741 --> 00:31:49,501 Oh, thanks, Mimi, love. Yeah, I'll try and show me face. 543 00:31:50,220 --> 00:31:53,621 But what I was about to say 544 00:31:53,700 --> 00:31:58,861 is that common myths bind us. 545 00:31:58,940 --> 00:32:02,141 -Have either of you seen Dad? -Am I some kind of baby-sitter now? 546 00:32:02,220 --> 00:32:04,141 He can look after himself. 547 00:32:04,220 --> 00:32:05,541 Help us look for him. 548 00:32:05,621 --> 00:32:09,141 -You know your dad. He'll be fine. -[Shane] Get yourself a drink, 549 00:32:09,220 --> 00:32:11,180 sit yourself down and stop worrying. 550 00:32:12,900 --> 00:32:14,381 He won't thank you for it. 551 00:32:16,180 --> 00:32:17,501 What's up? 552 00:32:17,581 --> 00:32:20,180 [Ian] Seriously, what's up? 553 00:32:23,061 --> 00:32:26,261 If he's as nice as you say he is, he won't mind helping, will he? 554 00:32:30,501 --> 00:32:32,581 Micky! Long time no see. 555 00:32:32,660 --> 00:32:35,700 Ady... How are things with you and the missus? 556 00:32:37,381 --> 00:32:41,261 It's all right, he's a fully paid-up member of the Uphill Shit Stabbers. 557 00:32:41,341 --> 00:32:42,261 [Ady] It's over. 558 00:32:42,341 --> 00:32:45,301 I came home one day and found her with the man next door. 559 00:32:45,381 --> 00:32:48,021 Didn't think that'd bother ya. Not after what we got up to. 560 00:32:48,101 --> 00:32:49,700 And the man over the road, 561 00:32:49,781 --> 00:32:52,501 and the man at the back, and the man from next door but one. 562 00:32:52,581 --> 00:32:53,621 So you've left, then? 563 00:32:53,700 --> 00:32:56,781 Yeah, I've been living with an interior designer from Cambodia. 564 00:32:57,420 --> 00:33:00,781 Can't string a sentence together, but the flat looks fantastic, 565 00:33:00,861 --> 00:33:04,460 and the things he can do with a wok... have to be seen to be believed. 566 00:33:04,541 --> 00:33:07,501 You should come round one night. Both of you. 567 00:33:07,581 --> 00:33:10,460 I'm here about my dad. He's missing. 568 00:33:10,541 --> 00:33:12,781 -Well, how long? -About 12 hours. 569 00:33:12,861 --> 00:33:14,940 Twelve hours? I've been on benders longer! 570 00:33:15,021 --> 00:33:17,460 He's never done this before. Ady, please! 571 00:33:17,541 --> 00:33:19,021 Look, this isn't like him. 572 00:33:19,101 --> 00:33:21,781 Something's happened and no fucker'll believe me, 573 00:33:21,861 --> 00:33:23,220 and you're my last hope. 574 00:33:23,821 --> 00:33:25,341 Please, Ady, 575 00:33:25,420 --> 00:33:26,460 you've gotta help us. 576 00:33:28,061 --> 00:33:29,061 Please. 577 00:33:29,141 --> 00:33:31,900 [Patrick] You're through to Paddy Maguire. Leave a message. [beep] 578 00:33:31,980 --> 00:33:34,541 Right, and what should happen now is 579 00:33:34,621 --> 00:33:37,341 the base station will flag up the phone's location. 580 00:33:37,420 --> 00:33:39,021 There we go. Got ya! 581 00:33:40,900 --> 00:33:42,420 [yelling] Dad, it's me! 582 00:33:42,501 --> 00:33:44,141 Micky, Micky, calm down. 583 00:33:44,220 --> 00:33:45,660 -[Micky] Can you hear me? -[Ady] Paddy. 584 00:33:45,740 --> 00:33:47,141 I'm going to radio for help. 585 00:33:50,141 --> 00:33:51,660 [sirens] 586 00:33:51,740 --> 00:33:53,781 Thanks a million for finding him. 587 00:33:53,861 --> 00:33:56,460 That was down to Micky. He led the investigation. 588 00:34:02,660 --> 00:34:03,861 This is all down to me. 589 00:34:04,821 --> 00:34:06,861 Nah, it's not just you, Jamie. 590 00:34:06,940 --> 00:34:09,820 It's neither of you. No one's fault. 591 00:34:09,901 --> 00:34:11,860 He knew the risks he was taking. 592 00:34:12,541 --> 00:34:14,461 He asked for our help, and we said no. 593 00:34:16,061 --> 00:34:18,541 We let him down, Mum. All of us. 594 00:34:21,860 --> 00:34:23,461 Well, nearly all of us. 595 00:34:27,061 --> 00:34:29,941 -[Mimi] Oh, he's gorgeous. Look at him! -[Jamie] Done well. 596 00:34:30,021 --> 00:34:32,541 -Eating, sleeping... -[Mimi laughs] 597 00:34:32,621 --> 00:34:34,180 [Karen] Right. Grub's up! 598 00:34:34,260 --> 00:34:36,141 You're pushing the boat out. 599 00:34:36,220 --> 00:34:39,061 Well, we won't get to eat till the other side of service, so... 600 00:34:39,141 --> 00:34:41,220 But there won't be a service. 601 00:34:44,340 --> 00:34:46,381 But this is Connor's big day. 602 00:34:46,461 --> 00:34:48,820 Yeah, but not without my dad, it isn't. 603 00:34:48,901 --> 00:34:50,901 We're cancelling. Right, Mum? 604 00:34:53,381 --> 00:34:56,141 And how would we explain that to wee Connor? 605 00:34:56,220 --> 00:34:58,581 All I need is a clean shirt, and I'll be with you. 606 00:35:24,901 --> 00:35:27,061 [shouts] 607 00:35:27,141 --> 00:35:27,981 [boom] 608 00:35:29,941 --> 00:35:30,860 [Mimi] Patrick? 609 00:35:32,061 --> 00:35:33,261 [Mimi] It's time. 610 00:35:42,621 --> 00:35:46,221 -You passed muster? -Eventually. 611 00:35:48,221 --> 00:35:52,340 [all] I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, 612 00:35:52,421 --> 00:35:56,981 maker of all things visible and invisible. 613 00:36:02,820 --> 00:36:03,780 If you'd like to... 614 00:36:12,860 --> 00:36:14,581 I'm not sure if I can. 615 00:36:18,141 --> 00:36:19,181 It's just... 616 00:36:21,621 --> 00:36:24,141 I don't actually believe in God. 617 00:36:24,221 --> 00:36:27,741 But if I'm called on, I'll teach him to respect people, 618 00:36:27,820 --> 00:36:32,021 no matter what they do or don't believe in, as long as they're decent. 619 00:36:32,101 --> 00:36:38,701 And I'll pray to a God I'm not sure exists that is loved. 620 00:36:38,780 --> 00:36:40,340 I'm a prostitute, Father. 621 00:36:41,421 --> 00:36:45,021 Ex-junkie. But I know good from bad. 622 00:36:45,101 --> 00:36:48,780 And if I can teach him that, it's job done, really, isn't it? 623 00:36:51,261 --> 00:36:52,221 [clears throat] 624 00:36:54,541 --> 00:36:56,661 I'm sorry if I've offended. 625 00:36:57,860 --> 00:36:59,981 I just don't want to let Connor down. 626 00:37:00,061 --> 00:37:00,981 Or meself. 627 00:37:01,061 --> 00:37:02,501 [mobile rings] 628 00:37:06,701 --> 00:37:11,541 [Connor cooing] 629 00:37:14,340 --> 00:37:15,741 [indistinct chatter] 630 00:37:15,820 --> 00:37:17,021 [Mimi] Here. 631 00:37:18,101 --> 00:37:20,780 Aomeone thought they were very clever phoning Concepta, 632 00:37:20,860 --> 00:37:24,501 putting on a voice, telling her that her flight had been cancelled. 633 00:37:24,581 --> 00:37:29,501 Only the thick fucking prick of a prankster forgot to withhold the number! 634 00:37:29,581 --> 00:37:31,061 Didn't you, Shane? 635 00:37:37,340 --> 00:37:38,221 Fuck. 636 00:37:40,901 --> 00:37:42,941 [cheerful music playing] 637 00:37:43,901 --> 00:37:45,261 Word's been put out. 638 00:37:47,101 --> 00:37:50,780 Tell you what, whoever brings us that kid is gonna be well flush. 639 00:37:50,860 --> 00:37:54,661 -Who put the word out? -Me, J, Shane. 640 00:37:54,741 --> 00:37:56,780 Well, you'd no fucking right. 641 00:37:56,860 --> 00:38:00,860 I'm the director of Maguire Limited. I make the executive decisions. 642 00:38:00,941 --> 00:38:02,541 He's gonna pay for this, Dad. 643 00:38:02,621 --> 00:38:05,421 Risking your lives? For what? 644 00:38:05,501 --> 00:38:07,101 For what? 645 00:38:09,981 --> 00:38:12,780 No more of my cubs will die on my account. Call it off. 646 00:38:12,860 --> 00:38:16,021 He hurt you, they need to know no one does that to our old man. 647 00:38:16,101 --> 00:38:17,901 Are you fuckin' deaf? Call it off! 648 00:38:28,901 --> 00:38:30,021 [Chrissy] Hey, sexy. 649 00:38:31,581 --> 00:38:34,701 What happened to that Long Wet Spicy Screw? 650 00:38:34,780 --> 00:38:37,021 I was just savouring the thought of it. 651 00:38:37,101 --> 00:38:39,501 Are those limes ready yet, babe? 652 00:38:40,261 --> 00:38:41,380 [Karen in pain] Ah! 653 00:38:43,021 --> 00:38:44,820 [groans and sighs in pain] 654 00:38:47,300 --> 00:38:50,780 Is he any lighter now he's washed of mortal sin? 655 00:38:53,780 --> 00:38:55,901 Didn't you fancy jumping in yourself, 656 00:38:55,981 --> 00:38:58,941 taking a spiritual cleanse? 657 00:38:59,021 --> 00:39:01,380 You can't just turn up and get christened. 658 00:39:01,461 --> 00:39:03,901 -There is a program. -[mocking] There's a program! 659 00:39:03,981 --> 00:39:06,141 [Frank] But what would be the point, eh? 660 00:39:06,221 --> 00:39:09,221 [Frank] You'd only blot your copy book the next day. 661 00:39:09,820 --> 00:39:11,820 [Frank] You're like me, you are. 662 00:39:12,701 --> 00:39:15,021 [Frank] Lured by earthly pleasures. 663 00:39:27,101 --> 00:39:30,621 [Mimi] How could you speak to Micky like that, in public? 664 00:39:31,501 --> 00:39:34,340 The only one who you wouldn't invite into the business, 665 00:39:34,421 --> 00:39:37,581 but the only one who went out looking for you! 666 00:39:37,661 --> 00:39:39,661 Call yourself a father. 667 00:39:44,981 --> 00:39:46,461 [little boy] Bang! Bang! 668 00:39:46,541 --> 00:39:49,581 [toy gun triggering] [giggling] 669 00:39:49,661 --> 00:39:50,541 [gunshot] 670 00:39:52,061 --> 00:39:55,300 [country pop music playing] 671 00:39:55,380 --> 00:39:57,661 I thought raspberries were your favourite. 672 00:39:57,741 --> 00:39:59,901 Not when they're covered in melted cow bone! 673 00:40:00,860 --> 00:40:03,780 The more I demanded, the more she dug in! 674 00:40:05,300 --> 00:40:07,021 The call was a last resort. 675 00:40:07,941 --> 00:40:11,021 I just... I just wanted to make it good. 676 00:40:11,621 --> 00:40:14,380 I want a man, Shane, a grown-up. 677 00:40:16,901 --> 00:40:20,421 But until I find one, I suppose I'll have to make do with you! 678 00:40:21,380 --> 00:40:22,421 Come on. 679 00:40:33,981 --> 00:40:34,941 [Chrissy gasps] 680 00:40:35,021 --> 00:40:37,501 -Shit, I'm sorry! -For fuck's sake! 681 00:40:37,581 --> 00:40:41,300 Why don't you go back to the loo where you've come from, clean yourself up? 682 00:40:46,421 --> 00:40:47,461 She's a slut. 683 00:40:47,541 --> 00:40:49,021 Do you know what? 684 00:40:49,101 --> 00:40:52,061 Paddy nearly died yesterday, and it woke me up to something. 685 00:40:52,141 --> 00:40:53,941 Life's too short. 686 00:40:54,021 --> 00:40:57,300 [Joe] I'm not going to waste my life waiting for you, Karen. 687 00:40:57,380 --> 00:41:00,340 You've got two men in your life. Why can't I have two women? 688 00:41:05,261 --> 00:41:08,820 Look at that. Looks like a platypus on safari. 689 00:41:14,141 --> 00:41:17,141 -What the fuck did you just say? -Nothing, Paddy. 690 00:41:17,221 --> 00:41:18,820 [Patrick] A platypus on safari? 691 00:41:18,901 --> 00:41:21,380 That's right, run, you yellow-bellied gobshite. 692 00:41:21,461 --> 00:41:24,141 Utter another word that's less than kind, and I'll do to you 693 00:41:24,221 --> 00:41:27,461 what mother nature should've done 50 years and 8 months ago. 694 00:41:27,541 --> 00:41:29,261 I'll erase you for good! 695 00:41:37,380 --> 00:41:38,941 [sobbing] 696 00:41:40,981 --> 00:41:42,501 [Micky] Nice one, Dad. 697 00:41:42,581 --> 00:41:44,181 How do you think she's feeling now? 698 00:41:46,501 --> 00:41:48,860 -Listen... -[Mimi] You know something, Paddy? 699 00:41:48,941 --> 00:41:52,141 You make the china shop bull look socially deft. 700 00:41:52,221 --> 00:41:54,141 I was protecting my family, 701 00:41:55,181 --> 00:41:56,261 like any good father should. 702 00:41:58,780 --> 00:42:00,380 Is that so contemptible? 703 00:42:04,661 --> 00:42:07,261 If you don't tell me what you want, I can't help you. 704 00:42:07,340 --> 00:42:08,621 She's doing my head in. 705 00:42:08,701 --> 00:42:10,541 What's wrong with Katie now? 706 00:42:10,621 --> 00:42:12,300 [Kelly] The kiddies entertainer... 707 00:42:12,380 --> 00:42:15,061 -The fella you elbowed? -[Maxine] With the broken nose? 708 00:42:15,141 --> 00:42:17,021 He won't be performing now. 709 00:42:23,741 --> 00:42:25,461 Once upon a time, 710 00:42:26,061 --> 00:42:30,141 there was a king who lived in a mighty castle. 711 00:42:30,221 --> 00:42:33,101 He had all the things a man could wish for. 712 00:42:33,780 --> 00:42:36,461 But he was a lonely king. 713 00:42:37,661 --> 00:42:40,820 That's right. There was something missing. 714 00:42:42,340 --> 00:42:44,380 -Are you with me so far? -[children] Yes. 715 00:42:44,461 --> 00:42:49,621 Then one day, he came across a gorgeous young woman. 716 00:42:51,340 --> 00:42:56,021 And before too long, they were madly, madly in love. 717 00:42:56,741 --> 00:43:01,221 And the gods blessed them with beautiful children. 718 00:43:01,981 --> 00:43:06,421 And he and his queen loved them unconditionally. 719 00:43:06,501 --> 00:43:10,820 But the queen grew bored and looked to entertain herself. 720 00:43:11,541 --> 00:43:12,941 [Patrick] Live her own life. 721 00:43:13,661 --> 00:43:16,780 Without his family around him, without their love, 722 00:43:17,380 --> 00:43:20,901 he floundered, and he lost his crown. 723 00:43:24,221 --> 00:43:25,701 His daughter tried to... 724 00:43:27,181 --> 00:43:30,701 [tuts] He lost his family and he lost his queen. 725 00:43:31,701 --> 00:43:37,621 He watched as his queen threw everything she had... they had... 726 00:43:38,461 --> 00:43:39,981 down the drain. 727 00:43:40,061 --> 00:43:42,900 [Patrick] She wanted him dead. 728 00:43:42,981 --> 00:43:46,860 Never thought that he might be in need of some... fucking assistance. 729 00:43:48,941 --> 00:43:52,061 [Patrick] Never thought that he might be actually... 730 00:43:52,141 --> 00:43:54,380 screaming out for some kind of help. 731 00:43:56,181 --> 00:43:57,741 [woman] Come on. 732 00:43:57,820 --> 00:43:59,661 All he was looking for was someone... 733 00:44:01,581 --> 00:44:02,501 anyone... 734 00:44:06,101 --> 00:44:09,541 [shouting] to fucking listen! 735 00:44:14,261 --> 00:44:17,141 Just to fucking listen! 736 00:44:20,421 --> 00:44:21,981 That's all. 737 00:44:25,701 --> 00:44:26,981 That's all. 738 00:44:47,741 --> 00:44:48,900 Right. 739 00:44:50,621 --> 00:44:51,941 We're off to bed. 740 00:44:55,820 --> 00:44:56,900 Night, Mum. 741 00:45:01,181 --> 00:45:02,541 -Night, Mimi. -Night, Karen. 742 00:45:12,221 --> 00:45:13,941 We're gonna get off an' all. 743 00:45:15,581 --> 00:45:20,101 [Patrick] Gandhi, Collins, yer woman who wouldn't budge on the bus. 744 00:45:20,181 --> 00:45:23,300 All heroes. All freedom fighters. 745 00:45:29,421 --> 00:45:32,941 Few will ever be known for grand acts of courage like them. 746 00:45:33,021 --> 00:45:34,621 But the taking of any liberty, 747 00:45:34,701 --> 00:45:37,461 whether it's freeing yourself to love, 748 00:45:37,541 --> 00:45:40,221 or speaking what your heart truly feels, 749 00:45:40,300 --> 00:45:41,820 now that takes balls. 750 00:45:41,900 --> 00:45:43,461 Night. Pull the door to. 751 00:45:48,221 --> 00:45:53,061 [Patrick] Breaking the shackles of mental and emotional incarceration. 752 00:45:53,141 --> 00:45:54,820 Only a big man manages that. 753 00:45:54,900 --> 00:45:57,380 [exhales deeply] 754 00:46:07,501 --> 00:46:09,661 [Liam] How do you know when things are moving too fast? 755 00:46:09,741 --> 00:46:11,941 -With a girl. -Blimey! 756 00:46:12,021 --> 00:46:13,981 -[Liam] If you love her. -[Maxine] Do you love her? 757 00:46:14,061 --> 00:46:16,541 -She's nicked one of my pens. -That's serious. 758 00:46:16,621 --> 00:46:18,981 [Ivonne] Please. Just a bit more time. 759 00:46:19,061 --> 00:46:20,461 [Yvonne shouts] Chesney, no! 760 00:46:21,701 --> 00:46:22,900 Plumber? 761 00:46:22,981 --> 00:46:25,021 -Leak? -That is our plumber. 762 00:46:25,101 --> 00:46:27,421 Hundred quid, and he'll hold your hand in Pizza Express. 763 00:46:27,501 --> 00:46:30,061 -What the fuck are you up to? -[Karen laughing] 764 00:46:30,141 --> 00:46:32,421 I'd be alright if you could choose how you go. 765 00:46:32,501 --> 00:46:34,061 You're not going to die. 766 00:46:34,141 --> 00:46:35,181 [man] What about your father? 767 00:46:35,261 --> 00:46:38,221 -He was a doctor. -Family of medics, eh? 768 00:46:38,300 --> 00:46:39,621 [outro music] 769 00:47:18,340 --> 00:47:20,501 So, you've converted to Judaism, 770 00:47:20,581 --> 00:47:23,021 but you're having violent cravings for pork scratchings? 771 00:47:23,101 --> 00:47:24,501 God, yeah. 772 00:47:25,300 --> 00:47:26,461 I'll see what I can do.